Thursday, June 14, 2007
Same ole same ole
I know I should write something today but I don't feel any different than yesterday. Bleech.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Is The Evil In My House?
Hmmmmmmmm....very interesting...
A phone call this morning indicated Dr. Evil's hotel reservations had been canceled. Weird. Maybe he decided to not go? Maybe not...
I called P this morning. We talked leisurely for about 30 minutes, then she had to put the kids to school. I called her back 30 minutes later, to ask her two questions - one professional and one personal. The professional one was answered quickly. The personal one was very weird. She said little and wouldn't talk. I asked her if she still loved me and if our marriage was over. She said yes and no (respectably). When I tried to inquire further, it was lots of little comments, not many words. I asked for examples of certain things and she refused to give them, saying she didn't have to and it's all old. I asked her again if she loved me, and she said yes. I asked her if I could hear her say it, and instead I heard "Bye. CLICK!"
I tried calling back 3 times to both mobile and landlines. The calls weren't answered.
He must be there in my own house, and I bet he spent the night. I think I'm going to puke. I hope he didn't sleep in my bed, although I'm not sure why I care anymore.
P, I still love you.
A phone call this morning indicated Dr. Evil's hotel reservations had been canceled. Weird. Maybe he decided to not go? Maybe not...
I called P this morning. We talked leisurely for about 30 minutes, then she had to put the kids to school. I called her back 30 minutes later, to ask her two questions - one professional and one personal. The professional one was answered quickly. The personal one was very weird. She said little and wouldn't talk. I asked her if she still loved me and if our marriage was over. She said yes and no (respectably). When I tried to inquire further, it was lots of little comments, not many words. I asked for examples of certain things and she refused to give them, saying she didn't have to and it's all old. I asked her again if she loved me, and she said yes. I asked her if I could hear her say it, and instead I heard "Bye. CLICK!"
I tried calling back 3 times to both mobile and landlines. The calls weren't answered.
He must be there in my own house, and I bet he spent the night. I think I'm going to puke. I hope he didn't sleep in my bed, although I'm not sure why I care anymore.
P, I still love you.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
D-day is here...
D-day as in Dr. Evil arrival. I can't believe how helpless I feel. So many years, so much investment, right down the toilet. One day perhaps I will learn the whole truth. Probably not though. They say death row inmates feel an inner peace once they are resigned to their fate. I know I'm resigned to my fate, and there's basically nothing I can do, but I don't feel an inner calm at all. I feel like crap. I've eaten 2 meals in the last 8 days, and I'm really not hungry. I've run 13 miles the last 3 days - and I NEVER run - just for stress relief. My mind is just wasted. It feels like a tornado between my ears. The lunatic is definitely in my head. How I'm continuing to do my job is really beyond me.
Monday, June 11, 2007
More of the same...
I talked to P today. First time in several days as I'm out of town. She gave me some of the news, but no indication that Dr. Evil was coming to visit. I asked around it several times: if she had any plans this week, anything else going on this week, etc., and no mention of his visit. I wish she'd be honest with me; I wish she'd send him home, I wish she'd never met him. I might as well wish that the sun rise tomorrow in the west. I guess I am resigned to my fate. Fireworks will surely follow...
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Helpless
I've never felt so helpless in my life. My marriage is falling apart in front of me and there's NOT A DAMN THING I can do about it...all I can do is cry...
She finally did it
Well, this sucks.
After one aborted attempt, and swearing to me that she wouldn't do it, P is hooking up with Dr. Evil while I'm gone. A phone call confirms that Dr. Evil is going to conveniently be in my little town for a couple of days, leaving not too much before I get home. Unbelievable. Somehow I don't think it is to shop at the big mega-store in my town where many people drive many hours to shop at, though his hotel is more or less next to it, but this is way too far to drive and there are many closer to Dr. Evil.
How convenient that his hotel reservations just happen to start on a night when our daughter is away on an overnight field trip, and I am several time zones away. How convenient that he happens to be coming in/out right between nights when P is scheduled to do some part-time work.
A week or two ago, in my jillionth effort to try to figure this out once and for all with her, I asked her to read aloud the following sentence: "My relationship with Dr. Evil is more important to me than my marriage." She said it scared her and that she'd try not to hurt me, and less than a week later, BANG! I had also sent her the following last week:
I wonder how she will try to pawn off this one. In many ways I don't care, and in other ways the entertainment value of watching this lie could be worth my weight in gold.
I know she was trying to set up this rendezvous before I left. I asked her about it, she lied, I called Bullshit, and she owned up to part (all?) of it. It made me so mad that I left.
I got on my bike and rode, as far and as hard as I could. I even tried to call Dr Evil. He didn't answer. He knows that I tried to call though. P called me while I was on my bike and asked if she could pick me up. I said "only if you are going to be honest with me. If you are going to lie then don't bother." She came and picked me up and told me some more. She couched it in a cover story of "Dr. Evil needs to come for Continuing Education, yes he could do this at home, but he wanted to visit some family in the midwest, do the CE, and say hi to me along the way, taking care of a bunch of things together." I gave her one more out to try to make honest on this relationship, and she refused, saying she couldn't admit to something that didn't/wasn't going to happen...I said that this whole rendezvous idea, completely while I was gone, was a bad idea, and I *thought* she agreed, but that she couldn't control when the CE was, and if it happened to fall while I was gone that she couldn't control that. So I asked her when this CE supposedly was, and P said that Dr. Evil didn't know yet. Didn't know yet???? Like they set these up with a week's notice? Yeah, right. I asked her if this was going to conveniently happen when I was gone. She said she didn't know...blah, blah, blah.
So the following night I asked her if she had talked to Dr. Evil and mentioned that this was a bad idea and not to come. She said "Yes, now he doesn't want to come, he doesn't even want to know the name of the hotels, you win again."
BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT
In many ways I wonder what it is that Dr. Evil has. Maybe it's a 15-inch member; maybe it's way more money; maybe it's just the thrill of something different. I think P will have a lot of time to contemplate it now.
The really really really sad part is that I still love her so much, but I can't continue to live the lie. A lot of tears have been shed over this one...and a lot more I am sure. Yet still more to come.
After one aborted attempt, and swearing to me that she wouldn't do it, P is hooking up with Dr. Evil while I'm gone. A phone call confirms that Dr. Evil is going to conveniently be in my little town for a couple of days, leaving not too much before I get home. Unbelievable. Somehow I don't think it is to shop at the big mega-store in my town where many people drive many hours to shop at, though his hotel is more or less next to it, but this is way too far to drive and there are many closer to Dr. Evil.
How convenient that his hotel reservations just happen to start on a night when our daughter is away on an overnight field trip, and I am several time zones away. How convenient that he happens to be coming in/out right between nights when P is scheduled to do some part-time work.
A week or two ago, in my jillionth effort to try to figure this out once and for all with her, I asked her to read aloud the following sentence: "My relationship with Dr. Evil is more important to me than my marriage." She said it scared her and that she'd try not to hurt me, and less than a week later, BANG! I had also sent her the following last week:
I don't care who your friends are and what you do every day, but I can't/won't tolerate a boyfriend (or continued activities and/or lies giving the appearance of one), because as much as I love you that will eventually make me leave. I'm not asking you to choose between Dr. Evil your friend and me, but if you treat him like a secret beau or object of desire that means to me that you've already made that choice...I suppose I just want to be sure you know that I'm really serious this time. Does that make sense? I Love YOU, I really do, but I WILL NOT share. I'd rather do without or be dead.To which she replied:
okay, but don't make a mt out of a mole hill....yes, this does almost sound like a threat, but I think I understand... I know the 'boundaries'...Know the boundaries...BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT. Okay, maybe not bullshit about knowing the boundaries, but CHOOSING TO RESPECT THEM! Give me a ----ing break.
I wonder how she will try to pawn off this one. In many ways I don't care, and in other ways the entertainment value of watching this lie could be worth my weight in gold.
I know she was trying to set up this rendezvous before I left. I asked her about it, she lied, I called Bullshit, and she owned up to part (all?) of it. It made me so mad that I left.
I got on my bike and rode, as far and as hard as I could. I even tried to call Dr Evil. He didn't answer. He knows that I tried to call though. P called me while I was on my bike and asked if she could pick me up. I said "only if you are going to be honest with me. If you are going to lie then don't bother." She came and picked me up and told me some more. She couched it in a cover story of "Dr. Evil needs to come for Continuing Education, yes he could do this at home, but he wanted to visit some family in the midwest, do the CE, and say hi to me along the way, taking care of a bunch of things together." I gave her one more out to try to make honest on this relationship, and she refused, saying she couldn't admit to something that didn't/wasn't going to happen...I said that this whole rendezvous idea, completely while I was gone, was a bad idea, and I *thought* she agreed, but that she couldn't control when the CE was, and if it happened to fall while I was gone that she couldn't control that. So I asked her when this CE supposedly was, and P said that Dr. Evil didn't know yet. Didn't know yet???? Like they set these up with a week's notice? Yeah, right. I asked her if this was going to conveniently happen when I was gone. She said she didn't know...blah, blah, blah.
So the following night I asked her if she had talked to Dr. Evil and mentioned that this was a bad idea and not to come. She said "Yes, now he doesn't want to come, he doesn't even want to know the name of the hotels, you win again."
BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT
In many ways I wonder what it is that Dr. Evil has. Maybe it's a 15-inch member; maybe it's way more money; maybe it's just the thrill of something different. I think P will have a lot of time to contemplate it now.
The really really really sad part is that I still love her so much, but I can't continue to live the lie. A lot of tears have been shed over this one...and a lot more I am sure. Yet still more to come.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Hating the camera
P is a very pretty lady. She always has been. She's never considered herself very pretty, except maybe here lately. She colored her hair about a year ago and has recently lost probably 20-25 pounds. She was never anything anywhere close to fat (I'm sure in her mind she was a whale) but now she is model thin, tanned, and even more gorgeous than before. P is ten years older than me (Dr. Evil 19 years older than me) but she looks at least my age and probably 5 years younger.
Possibly related to self-views of not being pretty (despite how often I would tell her this), she rarely has any pictures of herself. She takes a fair number of pics, especially of our kids, but never any of herself. She won't have any made, either. I guess that explains why the most recent family pic with her that I have in my wallet is 1998, and the most recent solo pic of her goes back further than that.
As I am away on business right now, I took a copy of a goofy snapshot she had taken with our son so I'd have something to show people and to remind me of her. It's better than nothing. She won't even do a Skype videoconference with me (the kids do!) because she says she hates the camera and feels like she's being interrogated.
However, I know P sat for a pic for Dr. Evil many months ago, and when his film didn't develop, she sent him many more. WHY???? WHY does this "friend" get immediate pics and I never get any? All I get is a story about how she hates the camera, has never liked the camera, and doesn't want any pics taken. Moreover, she sends him pictures of OUR kids. Weird? I think so. There's a convenient excuse about a foster care child (probably true) who needs to see pictures of normal happy kids (aren't there any closer?) and then their mother.
The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
"Brain Damage" - Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon, 1973
Possibly related to self-views of not being pretty (despite how often I would tell her this), she rarely has any pictures of herself. She takes a fair number of pics, especially of our kids, but never any of herself. She won't have any made, either. I guess that explains why the most recent family pic with her that I have in my wallet is 1998, and the most recent solo pic of her goes back further than that.
As I am away on business right now, I took a copy of a goofy snapshot she had taken with our son so I'd have something to show people and to remind me of her. It's better than nothing. She won't even do a Skype videoconference with me (the kids do!) because she says she hates the camera and feels like she's being interrogated.
However, I know P sat for a pic for Dr. Evil many months ago, and when his film didn't develop, she sent him many more. WHY???? WHY does this "friend" get immediate pics and I never get any? All I get is a story about how she hates the camera, has never liked the camera, and doesn't want any pics taken. Moreover, she sends him pictures of OUR kids. Weird? I think so. There's a convenient excuse about a foster care child (probably true) who needs to see pictures of normal happy kids (aren't there any closer?) and then their mother.
The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
"Brain Damage" - Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon, 1973
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